


The War Table

by Blue_Sparkle



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Caught in Compromising Situations, Crack, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, M/M, Misuse of the War Table
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 00:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18487222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Sparkle/pseuds/Blue_Sparkle
Summary: Dorian decides to seize the moment and have some sneaky fun time on the War Table with Bull. Little does he know...he's not the first to have that idea.





	The War Table

**Author's Note:**

> yes hello I was thinking about silly things involving my newest Inquisitor and decided to write it as a fic instead of sketching a small comic. Enjoy the shenanigans

Light poured into the main hall of Skyhold, bathing the uncharacteristically empty space in gold. Sure there were the usual smattering of visiting dignitaries and the workers up on the scaffolding, as they were making sure the roof wouldn’t collapse any time soon, but the unusually warm day had chased out near everyone into the gardens or the section of the battlements that provided the best view of the mountains. 

Under normal circumstances Dorian would hardly call the weather “summer-y”, but even he could see the appeal of basking in the relatively mild temperatures spring in the Frostbacks brought. He might have joined Madame Vivienne on her balcony to observe the courtyard, or taken his reading to a more secluded part of the garden to make use of what little warmth the blasted south could provide. 

But there were more pressing matters. 

“Tell me again,” Dorian said quietly, looking around to see if anyone had spotted them, with the Iron Bull’s body just a breath away from his back. “Where our good Lady Ambassador is right now.”

He could practically feel the rumble of Bull’s chuckle against him. Though he was following along with Dorian’s nefarious plans, the big brute had spent more time than necessary teasing him for his completely reasonable desires and ulterior motives. 

“Josie’s still off talking to that little flock of Orlesians. Don’t worry, she won’t return until late afternoon.”

“Good.”

Dorian glanced around one final time, making sure that Varric wasn’t in the hall. The Dwarf would absolutely grow suspicious if he saw him and Bull sneak by and he would absolutely be able to tell that they had been up to quite a private matter. 

He pushed past the door and into Josephine’s office, currently devoid of their most skilled diplomat. The moment they were out of sight of any curious onlooker Bull’s hands found their way to Dorian’s sides, the heavy heat of them nearly encircling his waist.

“Not that I’m against fucking you until you scream, Big Guy,” Bull rumbled against Dorian’s ear, causing him to shiver with pleasure. “But there’s more comfortable places for this, you know that, right?”

“It’s not about comfort,” Dorian hissed out, barely keeping himself from twisting in Bull’s hold to jump him right then and there. “It’s about symbolism and sending a message.”

It was difficult to walk towards the door opposite the entrance, what with Bull’s hands on him and the way the big brute kept nuzzling behind Dorian’s ear with a low growl. A promise of things to come and utterly distracting. Why Bull would try to talk him out of this now, when he had already agreed was a mystery to Dorian. 

Bull’s nostrils flared as he breathed in deep and Dorian could practically feel his grin. 

“Do you think about this every time we are called in to stare at that big old table with the map? Fantasize about me taking you right then and there where everyone gathers every day? How are you going to look our boss in the eye after this?”

Dorian shivered as he opened the door to the long hallway leading up the massive wooden door. The wall still had broken and missing pieces, making columns of sunlight line the way. 

“It’s not about looking my dear friend in the eye. It’s about looking at the Commander and knowing that you did something unspeakable on his beloved maps.”

Bull snorted a laugh. 

“Best not leave any marks in those then. I bet you our Commander would notice the tiniest… stain immediately.”

“Oh but I _want_ him to know,” Dorian said. 

They were nearly halfway to the door now, and Bull had busied himself with making walking difficult by trying to suck a bruise against Dorian’s neck. He paused, and one of his horns brushed gently over Dorian’s hair as he tilted his head. 

“You want that?”

“Of course,” Dorian huffed, rubbing back against the Bull. “Just imagine. Cullen inviting me to our chess sessions, him focused so hard on defeating me, and then with one casually dropped comment I let him know that I desecrated one of his most valued places in this entire keep!”

Bull paused for a few seconds as he considered this. 

“So let me get this straight, big guy. You made sure that nobody would spot us running off for me to fuck you silly on the war table… all so you can distract the Commander and cheat at chess better?”

“I would never do such a thing!” Dorian said. “I do not need to _cheat_. Not with such methods. No, I simply want to see the look on Cullen’s face when I tell him what we did. The poor man probably can’t even fathom the very idea of his beloved war table being used like that! The only thing worse would probably be having a good romp right there in the little chapel at stony Andraste’s feet!”

Bull was quiet for a few moments. 

“So you want me to fuck you there next?”

“Don’t be preposterous!” Dorian protested. “That would be highly offensive.” 

Besides, he had never felt comfortable sleeping with people if any sort of depiction of Andraste’s face was nearby. It felt too much like the most holy watching him, and not something Dorian was keen on. 

They had reached the door now, and Bull’s hands started to toy with the buckles of Dorian’s vest. 

“Right, then lets focus on me stretching you out on that table and ravishing you first.”

Dorian let out a pleased little hum and pushed his hands against the heavy doors. They resisted for a few seconds, but then swung out near soundlessly. 

He was so focused on the feeling of Bull’s hands against him, and then the sudden loss of them, that it took Dorian a few seconds to process the sound of metal hitting stone in a clatter and the flurry of movement before them. 

“What in-“

Dorian froze, Bull suddenly still as a statue where he was pressed to Dorian’s back. Before them was the war room, with the strangely shaped table and it’s clutter of markers and the map and-

Cullen looked like a panicked frozen nug as he stared at the two newcomers, his hair a mess and what little of his clothes visible from behind his fur coat a mess. The Elven woman behind him was barely visible at first, but there was no mistaken the shape of Eliana Lavellan stretched out on the war table. 

All four of them were frozen for a few moments, with Cullen’s entire face going as crimson as his coat. Eliana propped herself up on her elbows, hair out of it’s usual knot and falling over her chest, her shirt dishevelled and open, very nearly baring her to the world. 

She looked remarkably calm for somebody who had just been caught in a compromising situation, unlike Cullen, who looked like he wished to drop through the ground and disappear. 

“Well then,” Dorian started with a barely contained grin. “Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that our esteemed leaders would do something so outrageous.”

“What are you even doing here?” Cullen near stammered. His hands flew up to his clothes, and then hesitated before leaning closer to Eliana. He seemed stuck on whether to remove himself from the compromising position or to shield their Inquisitor from view to preserve her modesty. 

“What are _we_ doing here?” Dorian repeated. “My good man, you do know that this is a public space! Anyone could have walked in at any moment! How could you do such a thing? Think of the Inquisitor’s reputation!”

He heard the half stifled snort from the Bull behind him, and Eliana pressed her lips together to hide a smirk. 

She sat up and started buttoning up her shirt again after gently nudging Cullen out of the way. 

“A lapse in judgement,” she said with a smile. “But you can forgive bad decisions made in the throws of passion, right?”

This time Bull did guffaw and Cullen looked even more mortified than before. 

Dorian raised his eyebrow and put on his very best scandalized expression. 

Eliana finished straightening her clothes casually and slid of the table. Cullen seemed to fumble with his own in his haste, but never turned around, denying Dorian a good eyeful. When he did turn, the Commander looked presentable again. 

“I’ll see you later, my love,” Eliana said as she started working on her hair. 

Cullen managed to give her a weak smile before making a hasty retreat. He couldn’t look either of the two men in the eye as he rushed by, but Bull clapped him on his back and followed with a laugh. 

“Knew you’d treat the boss right,” he said before the door closed behind him, leaving Dorian with the Inquisitor who was finger combing her hair with an air of casualness any magister would be jealous of. 

Dorian crossed his arms turned to stare at her expectantly, and Eliana had the audacity to look completely unbothered. There was a barely perceivable blush to her dark cheeks, but it looked more like she was flushed from previous activities than embarrassment. 

“Care to explain yourself?” Dorian asked once Eliana had put her hair up in a bun and looked as if nothing had ever happened. 

“Explain why I had the idea to make use of the table before you managed to get to it?” she asked, lips curling in a smile. “I’m sorry I beat you to it.”

“Oh not _that_!” Dorian waved her off. “Explain how you failed to mentioned that our Commander has such a wild streak in him! What did you do to make him go along with this?”

Eliana had come for books he thought she might find interesting just last week, a giddy smile on her face as she admitted that she was in a relationship with their Commander now. Dorian had congratulated her with a shared bottle of wine (that he had lifted from the Inquisition’s supplies but that was neither here nor there). She hadn’t told him about any details of course, but Dorian had listened to the joy of her newly found love with just a little bit of envy. It wasn’t every day that one found love in the middle of a war, and while being the only one of their people among strangers no less. 

There simply was no way it had taken Eliana less than a week to get Cullen from admitting his love to having sex on the war table!

Eliana looked at Dorian with an unreadable expression for a few moments. 

“You want to know how I got a shy ex Templar with no romantic experience to do something so scandalous with a mage from the Dales?” she asked, and Dorian gave her a look. Of course he wanted to know the secrets. 

A downright devious grin spread on Eliana’s face as she leaned closer to mock whisper to her friend. 

“It was his idea to begin with.”

With that she winked and strode past Dorian, leaving him alone with the revelation that was shocking enough to shatter the rightful world order. 

Now _this_ was something even Varric wouldn’t believe if told. 

Dorian was frozen to the spot for a few seconds but then quickly turned to stick his head out of the door. 

“I will demand further explanations!” he called after her. “Don’t think I’ll just take your word for a claim like this!”

Eliana waved at him cheerfully without looking back as she walked by Bull, who had apparently decided to show mercy and not follow Cullen outside. They both watched as their boss disappeared through the door, before Bull turned to look at Dorian with a grin. 

“Now that was fun,” he said. “Wouldn’t have thought the Commander had it in him.”

Dorian let out a huff and ran his hand through his hair, mildly irritated at misjudging his friend’s adventurous streak. And now there was absolutely no point in trying to make Cullen blush at the idea of defiling the war table if he himself had even beaten Dorian to the punch!

So much careful planning! Wasted!

Bull was still looking at Dorian with a grin, and now the room was well and truly empty. Really, there was no need to waste an opportunity even if the result wouldn’t be as expected. 

“Come here then,” Dorian said with a theatrical sigh. “It’s not what I hoped for, but I believe I was still promised a ravishing.”

Bull’s ears perked up and he was back in the room in two quick steps, crowding Dorian back with a kiss. They stumbled through the doorway in an embrace, and the door fell shut behind them with a dull thud.


End file.
